Monday, November 23, 2009

Thppt! and Neener-neener-neener!

So I had a "I just don't give a hooie" kind of day. Actually, truth be known, I've been having SEVERAL of them. For whatever reason, we laxed. Yes, I have been ill. Yes, I have been dealing with pregnancy hormones. Yes, I am dealing with the stress of a teenager who really should have had her hide tanned a lot sooner in life.....

And I was angry, frustrated, irritated, and ready to quit conpletely because he was being too nice to me. He was being considerate, and I was mad. Go figure.

he's also dealing with a power trip. he tasted serious power and it scared the beejeebers out of him that he liked it as much as he did. I'm standing here begging him to lead, take hold of the reins, take me in hand, and he's afraid of it. I can't think of any better gift to offer a husband and he's afraid to grab hold.


We agreed to step back from intense training and let him take hold as he can, but getting back to where we were before we tried intense training.

I'm sitting on a pillow today for a week of attitude that he let slide. An hour it took. he went slow, he wasn't easy on me, but he wasn't unreasonable. He took breaks to oh, go start a snack in the oven. Fill our water glasses for bedtime. Choose what I was going to wear to bed. Let the dogs out. And he left me over the edge of the bed for all of it. Monster scolding, which honestly, leaves me in harder and more intense tears than the physical side of this. His new power thing, for HIM, is to have me reach for the top of our log cabin canopy bed and hang on while he does warm up time. It works. It seems to place me in a state of mind wherein I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is in charge.

And he held me ever so close while I sobbed on his shoulder afterward, and then he took his pleasure and left me hanging. Urph. He hates it when I push to discipline, because only on maintenance nights will he allow sexual intimacy. So he added his own twist of punishment to that. Part of me loved it, to see him taking that charge and part of me hated it, because I love to please him in bed and share that pleasure with him.

We're now trying to figure a way to light the fire under my backside when he's not home. I DO get my chiores done, but it seems to take me all day to get motivated. When he's here, the threat of discipline works. But when he's 800 miles away? Not so much. We'll get it figured out I am sure.

It's an insane, amazing, speed and crawl growth, it seems.

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