Saturday, October 31, 2009

2 months of bliss

I'm in heaven. Well, it's a cloud that's going up and down. We've got so much to learn, but oh my we've already come SO far!

I did get my first spanking the very next night. We started with 12 years of less than stellar submission and disrespect. he counts differently....one on each side is ONE. I ended up with over 50 that first night. I didnt' cry, but I was shocked at how much less stressful I felt.

We've progressed to the belt for the more obnoxious offenses-such as disrespect in front of the children. I get maintenance every night he's home(some weeks it's Sat/Sun/Mon others it's Sun/Mon/Tues and then every other night)

Our biggest hurdle to overcome is still that he is afraid to take control completely. He knows my past, and he struggles with leadership. But he's willing. I reached a point recently where I was craving more direct input in my day, more of a M/s concept. He's toying with it and a few nights has just done marvelous at grabbing hold. I think that the power trip adreneline rush overwhelms him and he backs down.

This week, I asked for a harder hand. Shared an article with him on boot camps, and he read it. Said he was trying to take a harder hand with me. And promptly laxed to where we had been 2 months ago. It sent me into a tizzy. Almost a crisis for me. I felt as if I were drowning. I spent the day fighting myself to not grab back control of everything and scream at him that this is NOT what I was looking for. Bedtime came and when he told me to get my pillows for maintenance, I flat told him "No." and melted into a puddle of tears. It threw him for a loop.

We settled into each other's arms while I sobbed, and when I was able to sniffle more than sob, I was able to tell him that this is NOT just about the physical discipline for me. Yes, that's a huge part of it, and it started the entire thing, but I crave more. I need more. I want him to take that position he's supposed to be in. I want.........I know you understand what it is I'm looking for. How do you put it into words without sounding insane? I want him to control. I still want to be who I am, but I want him to be the man in this relationship, and I want to know that I don't have to drive the car anymore.

We just talked Wednesday night. Last night, I got it for defiance. And I have to giggle.....wooden spoons from Walmart are not the best thing to use. Yes, a new implement. And it cracked. It's only a month old, and probably shouldn't have been used in the kitchen first. It shocked us both.
Today he's been very specific in his instructions. It took him a few hours to get to a command position, but he's on the road and has sent several texts with specific expectations. I've been told that today, we start boot camp. It will be a challenge, with him being 300 miles away until tomorrow, but he finally understands to a better degree what I need and this gift I offer him. Giving someone this kind of trust is incredible. And I offer it to him wholeheartedly. I know he loves me and would never hurt me.

I think that makes sense.

Anyway, it's been an amazing journey so far. We both see huge changes already, and don't want to go back to where we were 2 months ago.