Thursday, September 17, 2009

About to explode

The anticipation is killing me. When is he going to do it? When is he finally going to tell me that I've been naughty and to bend over the that bed?

It's been a week. A week since I discovered dometic discipline. I'm still shaking at the intensity of the overwhelming "This is IT!!!!!" sensation that overcame me. It feels like a tidal wave. It feels so right, yet it can't be. Can it? This is what I've always wanted. And I am sure I am insane.

We've been married 12 years. He's always been a phenomenol lover. He's always been loving, caring, encouraging. He is the most amazing father to our children that I can imagine. I've wanted since the day we married to be the wife he needs-loving, submissive, caring, generous, perfect. Well okay, not perfect, but at least submissive and what he needs.

So here's the problem..........I grew up with an overbearing, dominant mother who put down my abusive, alcoholic father-even does still to this day. She's horrid to him. Granted, he was pretty viscious when he was abusing with his fists. She's always raised us to be independent, don't need that man to survive, he's there to serve YOU and not the other awy around, submission from you means he can and will abuse you and use you as a doormat.

Dearest was raised in a permissive home, where the parents were equal partners. Don't get me wrong-my in-laws are incredible. I adore them to no end. But there was no true leadership example.

So.....we struggle.

Over the years, I've tried oh so hard to be submissive. I mean really tried. So if I'm submitting, why is he getting more frustrated and angry every day? Why is it that the more I submit, the more of a jerk he seems to be? Could it be that my mother was actually right about this? She can't be. That's just not the way it's supposed to be. Men are supposed to be men and women are supposed to be soft, loved, cherished, protected, nurtured, guided. So what is wrong withour marriage?

That's what I've been feeling the last 2 years or so. And I try harder to be submissive, and he gets more jerkish to to me and the kids and I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong, so I try to be more submissive and...........

a viscious cycle that came to a screeching halt last week.

I am not the submissive wife I thought I was. Oh, it's what I want. It truly is. But.........

I keep telling him "LEAD US ALREADY DAMN IT!" and when he doesn't lead to MY expectations, I jump in and grab the reins. Or I ignore his simple suggestions, requests. Hell, even right now, I'm going to get it good..I am about 30 minutes over the time he alloted for me to be on the computer. And because I want to be all that he needs, I'll be honest with him about the overkill.

I cannot explin tht relief I have felt since coming to the understanding that you cannot be submissive to a man if you aren't finding out what he considers to be submissive. And I've never once bothered to ask him. In 12 years, I've never taken the time to just say "Honey, this is what I want, but I don't know how to be that." And that is precisely why we haven't made any progress in that area of life.

I wanted to do better. I searched for anything on Christian submission. I found a website that made me hit the brakes.

It just really made my heart stop and start, and thump with agony. A good agony that is.

I read everything I could find. And I formulated the conversation as best I could with Dearest last Saturday. I can't recall now all that I said, but basically, I laid out for him all I was thinking in regard to my lack of submission. He was quiet but I could see that he was in agreement with everything I said. Sunday night, I popped in our favorite movie, "McClintock". To this point we'd always laughed when PAtrick Wayne spanks Natlie Wood's character and when John Wayne spanks Maureen O'Hara's character. Sunday, I was wistful in my laughter. Monday, I screwed up my courage and met him outdoors with a large glass of cool water while he was working, looked right at him and said "So here's what's on my heart. I think that I've been horrid to you and I think I need you to put me over your knee like Johy Wayne did and wallop me a good one. And I'm being dead serious when I say I want you to spank me." and I walked away.

He stood there, looking somewhat stunned, but wasn't laughing at me. I took that as a good sign.

Later, he said that it was obvious I'd given this quite a bit of thought. This has actually led to some of the absolute best conversations of our entire marriage and I have to say that we've always had very good open lines of communication, so that's saying something HUGE.

We've reached a point wher ehe's read all that I have and he agrees. I mean really agrees. He said and I quote "Everything else I've tried hasn't worked. I'm tired of being angry and you are tired of fighting me for control." I'm shocked.

And now, I'm waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And.........

Oh the agony. I know I need to be spanked. I don't want the pain. But he owes me for 12 years of disrspect, disregard, dishonor. And now, this week, he owes me for not reminding him of a bill we HAD to send out, oh 2 months ago, and today's computer time. And I can't wait.

The anticipation is going to just kill me. I think it's possibly his first disciplinary action.........making one wait is sometimes as bad as the punishment itself! Sigh.