Thursday, December 10, 2009

We're in a weird place again.
Being nearly 32 weeks pregnant, he's worried that any discipline might trigger labor, or hurt the baby.
There's also the fact that it's been anywhere from -18 to all of 10 degrees where we live and it's hard for me to get moving to do what I am supposed to do with the cold we're dealing with.

I feel like we're right back to the beginning.................

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Spanking trolls

I've had it. I left all the e-groups today. I am so tired of people popping in to my IM messenger asking if they can spank me when my husband isn't home, or if my husband will spank them,. I'm tired of "Well THIS is how I like to lecture my women when I do it." and insistence that I should ALWAYS be wearing dresses, or have my hair long, braided, not braided, whatever they think.

It disturbs me to hear of women who are widowed, so their 20 year old sons spank them in lieu of the father, or when single women allow other women(or men) to discipline their teenaged daughters. I'm tired of being asked how my bottom is, if I've had any good spankings lately, or how often and how my children get spanked. It aggravates me that they are telling me that our children should be allowed to watch me get spanked so I can be humiliated to tears. That is NOT what this life is about for me, and I am so tired of others assuming that they know what works best in MY life.


Today I went over the edge. I responded to someone who's wife told HIM how not to do something, and he replied privately to ME telling me that being belligerent was unacceptable. Um, dude, your wife is the one telling YOU how to do things. I said that I didn't feel my husband and I were even to a point where I could give feedback to him without it being construed as me being bossy, and he assumed it meant I was...despite the fact that I stated quite emphatically that I adore being submissive to my husband, strive to meet the standards that HE is able to bring to our marriage at this time, and want to do my best to please him and help him assume his place as head of our household.

Where do you get that I am being belligerent in any of that?

Why are people such troglodytes?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Yes Master!

The change seems to have been made. I'm content. I'm sure we'll have more ups and downs, but oh this week has really turned out to be the bset since we started this, with the exception of the very first week we realized that there was a positive change happening.

Life is good.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

A Thanksgiving to remember

Unfortunately, he's on the road today.

I confessed my poor attitude. I didn't expect the effect it had. He spent the afternoon chopping wood, which left me feeling rather neglected, which resulted in more pouting/anger. I actually told him I was feeling.............peckish. Having hens and a poor hen-pecked rooster, he understood exactly what I was talking about.

I ended up with lines to write while he showered-over the end of the bed, naked, and while the session wasn't all that hard or painful, it was one of the better ones for me personally. He SCOLDED. He chastised. He asked me more who was in charge? Who makes the rules? What happens when the rules are ignored? And OH did he expect a verbal answer. He reprimanded severely and it affects me so much when he does that. The more verbal sessions we've had always leave me a teary mess.

I've also been told that if my attitude-unconcious or not-doesn't improve, there will be consequences and he will find a way to motivate me when he's not home. Just the idea that he's thinking about it seems to thrill me to no end.

Who knew I'd ever be thankful for a sore backside?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Kick the tire and light a fire

I cannot for the life of me get motivated. Period. End of statement. I just cannot get myself to move any sooner than 9 or 10 am on ANYTHING. It's really starting to irritate me and him. My chores are supposed to be done by 11:30 and I have yet to even be DRESSED.


Monday, November 23, 2009

Thppt! and Neener-neener-neener!

So I had a "I just don't give a hooie" kind of day. Actually, truth be known, I've been having SEVERAL of them. For whatever reason, we laxed. Yes, I have been ill. Yes, I have been dealing with pregnancy hormones. Yes, I am dealing with the stress of a teenager who really should have had her hide tanned a lot sooner in life.....

And I was angry, frustrated, irritated, and ready to quit conpletely because he was being too nice to me. He was being considerate, and I was mad. Go figure.

he's also dealing with a power trip. he tasted serious power and it scared the beejeebers out of him that he liked it as much as he did. I'm standing here begging him to lead, take hold of the reins, take me in hand, and he's afraid of it. I can't think of any better gift to offer a husband and he's afraid to grab hold.


We agreed to step back from intense training and let him take hold as he can, but getting back to where we were before we tried intense training.

I'm sitting on a pillow today for a week of attitude that he let slide. An hour it took. he went slow, he wasn't easy on me, but he wasn't unreasonable. He took breaks to oh, go start a snack in the oven. Fill our water glasses for bedtime. Choose what I was going to wear to bed. Let the dogs out. And he left me over the edge of the bed for all of it. Monster scolding, which honestly, leaves me in harder and more intense tears than the physical side of this. His new power thing, for HIM, is to have me reach for the top of our log cabin canopy bed and hang on while he does warm up time. It works. It seems to place me in a state of mind wherein I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is in charge.

And he held me ever so close while I sobbed on his shoulder afterward, and then he took his pleasure and left me hanging. Urph. He hates it when I push to discipline, because only on maintenance nights will he allow sexual intimacy. So he added his own twist of punishment to that. Part of me loved it, to see him taking that charge and part of me hated it, because I love to please him in bed and share that pleasure with him.

We're now trying to figure a way to light the fire under my backside when he's not home. I DO get my chiores done, but it seems to take me all day to get motivated. When he's here, the threat of discipline works. But when he's 800 miles away? Not so much. We'll get it figured out I am sure.

It's an insane, amazing, speed and crawl growth, it seems.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Roller Coasters

We are up and down.

One day I have a lot of things to be accountable for. Silly texts, notes sent in via children from the barn yard, so on. Then there's the days when I wonder if we've even made changes.

But, I see improvement in BOTH of us daily, even when it's minor. He had a busy day yesterday, with a lot of barn chores. I ended up feeling a bit "Out of sight, out of mind" through the day.

Bedtime came and he was so drowsy from all the chores that I could tell not even maintenance was going to occur-which really is NOT a positive thing after nearly a week of no maintenance at all, with me being sick. He came to bed and said "There are days when I think *I* should be spanked for not providing more guidance and input for you and the children."

He gets it. Finally. We're moving slowly in the positive direction.

I feel like life is a full time roller coaster right now. Thrills, chills, ups, down, swift turn around corners, slow momentous climbs up hills you think you will never get to the top of and then WHOOSH! over the top and back down a swift slide into a valley.

One thing about this choice of will never get boring, will it?

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Glitches to the system

How do you handle glitches in DD?

I am sick this week. Horrid cough, runny nose, aching body. It's a simple upper respiratory infectin, not H1N1-we've already had that one, thankfully.

Add to that one run away teenager on Wednesday(before I got sick-the stress actually pushed me over the "not going to let myself get sick" edge)-that whole run away is a story I just don't want to deal with right now, but the tension all day Wednesday of "where could she be?" down to finding her at bedtime just was more than I could handle, and more than my Dearest could handle. It took away any intent of even maintenance Wednesday evening.

And add to that, some minor third trimester pregnancy related issues(read "hemorrhoids" there), any activity, be it corner time, discipline spanking(that we've been assured medically is all right as long as it stays where it belongs-the backside-for at least 8 more weeks) is just not happening.

I'm losing focus, he's frustrated again. He's got me doing lines for now, and silly things like a text this morning that said "If your hair is braided, take it down and brush it out. If it's down, braid it please." We're still working on me learning immediate and unquestioned submission, so he's trying to do these things as he can, with consideration for my illness and phhysical discomforts. Gracious I do love that man.

How do you deal with things like this?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Shoulds versus the should nots

Practicing domestic discipline seems much to me like becoming a new parent. Everyone has advice or input for you. The instant they find out, you are iinundated with input and questions whether you like it or not.

I've been told by several "Oh you absolutely MUST be naked during punishments or sessions. No clothes at all!"

:You can't be punished properly if you aren't over his knnes/laying flat on your stomach/kneeling over a chair etc."

"He should absolutely put you in a corner and leave you there X number of minutes."

"You flat out cannot involve sex in discipline sessions or they won't be effective."

I've even had hard core spankos tell me that he should clamp every part of my body possible to inflict more pain or humiliation, include our children watching us to increase my embarassment, outside where we could get caught, he must spank until I cry buckets, even if it's over an hour and he's caused me to bleed.

There there is the "Tell me all about your spanking!" camp. They make me uncomfortable. They want details. "Were you naked or just from the waist down? Did you cry? Did he make you perform oral sex on him? What does he wear?"

And then there's this strange little group of people who claim to practice DD, yet scream bloody murder when we share what our rules are. "Is this a marriage or are you a slave/ *I* don't need rules, he respects me for who I am. I'd never let ANYONE tell me I can't do XYZ. How dare he make you ask for permission to go somewhere or punish you for forgetting your cell phone?"

I wonder about these people. All of them. The first category irritates me. HE is in charge. If he doesn't tell me to be fully naked, that's his business, is it not? If it's effective for us, then leave it be.

The second category scares me honestly. I feel as if they are spanko voyeurs, into way more than this is for me. I've had them ask me things that just make me shudder.

The third category...I don't know how to handle them.

To me, this lifestyle is about learning to submit to him. It's about taking my rightful place as his wife, his helpmeet, his rib, confidant and lover-in the way that he views those things. He is the general. I am the First lieutenant. He listens to me-in fact, since we started this, it seems as if my input to him is more important than ever. And yes, the first few days of him "ordering" me out of bed to make his breakfast were just that-orders. But he had never expressed his desire for me to be there to help him. INitially, it was to teach me to submit without question. Then, for him, it started to show him how much help I can give him. For me, it's become treasured time alone without any distractions from the children. And I honestly would have never given that to him willingly before.

He's learning to lead in a gracious way. This is not, for us, about me being a mindless slave. Even in the slave/master blogs I have read, the slave still has input. But for us, this is about rightful roles. Two nights ago, the baby had colic, very badly. She was up over half the night. He knew that. When he got the call that his truck was here, I got out of bed and turned on the coffee. I started to pull out his breakfast and he told me to wait till after he was done with his shower. I went back to bed. When I awakened later, he was preparing his breakfast. I jumped, startled, wondering if I'd slipped back into my "Just another minute" ways. He gently pushed me back to the bed and said "Sleep. You had a bad night with the baby." I mumbled thay I needed to make his breakfast. He shook his head no, and said "To bed. That's an order. Your willingness to be up is enough for today. You can make breakfast Thursday for me."

He is a loving man. He is learning to lead. I am leading to follow. He is not abusive in any way. I am willingly offering this to him. Our marriage is growing in strength, love, respect. I love him for his willingness to become the man that God intended him to be. Because he is doing this under the leadership of a loving God, I know I can trust that my husband will not abuse his power.

Shoulda/coulda/woulda.......sigh. I am learning to let it go in one ear and out the other.

Monday, November 9, 2009


SO my teenager was here for the weekend, for the first time since we started ttwd. I tried to warn her that things have changed as far as the dynamics. The second oldest affirmed that things were a LOT different.

Saturday night, Darling was home. It was a discipline night..I had at least 4 coming to me, in addition to whatever he decided to add because of boot camp. We sent everyone off to bed, turned on the cd player, and started. Right in the middle of what was promising to be one of our best sessions EVER, my Teenager knocked on the door. ARGH!!!!!!!She wanted to "talk". Keep in mind, she's a huge personal attention hound, so we figured that because Mom's bedroom door was closed at 9 PM that she wanted attention. I growled at her, Dad growled at her, she went away. The rest of the session was rather lackluster.

Sunday morning, while making breakfast, the Teenager showed up and informed me that the night before, she had come to tal to us because her sister had told HER "Oh it's gret. Every night that Dad's home, from this time to this tme, you can hear Mom and Dad spanking each other."

The younger sister shrieked "That's NOT what I said! I said that you can hear Dad spanking Mom." The oldest one informed us that we're warping the younger ones with our weirdness. The second oldest informed her that she LIKES the changes Mom being spanked has brought because we don't fight anymore and that Dad isn't grumpy anymore.The oldest said "Just so long as ya'll aren't getting into S&M cause this is just weird."I don't think I've ever blushed as hard. The second oldest is insistent that we continue as we have been, because the changes in the family are famulous. She did say that her only complaint is it's loud and it echoes.

Oh gravy. I'm still embarassed.

Now the good of all this........he's stepping up so much more. It is a challenge on the days he's on the road, but he's really working on it. Saturday, I ended up in our room for a good lecture, and today I just could not get focused on anything I needed to do. Honestly, dealing with some issues with my teenager are causing quite a stir for me emotionally, so when she's been here, it's a challenge for everyone to get back on track. Even the second oldest got a spanking today for massive attitude, and I can count on two hands the number of times she's needed to be physically disciplined on one hand. That's a very literal counting too. And she's 12.

I'll be over the end of the end of the bed for attitude as much as stress relief tonight. Oddly, I look forward to it. The stress is a serious mood killer for anything in life now that I've learned how to deal with it.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Stepping up and stepping down

Wednesday ended up being a horrid day. To the point where I was just ready to quit this entirely. It's not, for me, just about an evening "spank" session. I want more. I need his leadership. I need to learn more submission. I want our roles to be clear. I'm really struggling with wanting/needing and not feeling as if I get it consistently.

Today, I realize I had missed something crucial. Just because he didn't text me with orders, he WAS leading. And I missed it. That cell phone order was me being led.

We did have a fairly intense talk about what I feel I need. And yesterday came close to starting off just as badly as the dat before. I gently reminded him that he had made promises that he wasn't keeping. I did end up with my morning reminder of who's in charge spank. It definitely sets a tone for me through the day, you know?

And when evening came, I had a good otk session, some new things in play, and ended up tucked in very gently by my Dearest. This morning, he awakened me at 3:30 to make him breakfast and take him to work. I think, truly, it was precisely what we needed. He showed his authority, and also got a taste of what it is to have a helpmeet that's truly helping. By fixing his breakfast while he showered, he ended up with about 20 minutes of spare time for himself. It seemed very pleasing to him. I know it pleased me. I had to giggle though. When he and I first met, the only way he'd have gotten breakfast from me at 3:30 in the morning was if I fixed it on my way TO bed.

You've come a long way, baby!

When I took him to work, he came around the front of the van, and opened my door for me. I thought he was just walking me around to the driver's side. And yes he did. However, not before turning me around and bending me gently over the passenger seat and administering a morning reminder of who's in charge in this relationship. Honest truth? I melted. I mean Scarlett O'Hara swooned, just like the morning after Rhett takes what's his to take. It was exactly what I needed.

My cell phone is where it's supposed to be, and I have my orders for the day. I'm content. Sitting gingerly, but content. :)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

What is it.....

about this thing we do? Why do I crave this? Why does my heart skip a beat when I am told to go to our room, and assume the position?

Beyond that, why is it that when we miss a session that I am out of sorts, grumpy, frustrated and feel lost or as if I am floundering? Why do I crave that sting on my backside every day? And more than that, why do I crave him being a caveman?

He knows I am an intelligent valuable woman. He desires my input frequently, even in this time of submission training(which has been sorely interrupted by life-I demand a do over, Day 1 starting today) When we met, I had spent far too long playing dumb for men, which is NOT who I was. he saw a glimmer of intelligence and liked what he saw. He's pushed my limits intellectually ever since. I treasure him for that. I treasure him for the respect he has for me and my strengths.

But I need him in charge. I need him to control, to dominate, to guide. I desperately want to hand him all control and just be a woman. My mother would throw a fit.

With the insanity of the last 2 days, we were both just flat exhausted. I came home from grinding deer meat at a friend's house, he cooked dinner(he makes incredible ham and cheese omelettes!) and then took the older childre to an activity they had to attend. By the time he got home, I had the younger children in bed and I was trying so hard to not fall asleep in the recliner. He needed to shower, so I asked if I could go to bed to wait for him. He said yes. I curled up in our bed with a book and the next thing I knew, his phone was ringing for him to come get his truck load for today's work. I waited for him to kick me out of bed to make his breakfast and start his coffee, but he let me sleep. He took himself to work, and when he had his load transferred, he came home to get me to take him back so I could have the vehicle.

Meanwhile, 3 of our children had crept like little mice into Mom's and Dad's warm snuggly Sleep Number, so a morning "spank" was not easily accomplished. I anticipated that he'd order me into his truck, but he didn't. I came home disgruntled, off balance and out of sorts, grumpy and frustrated. No mornign orders, no input on anything other than to wash his coat. It just set me spinning again. I hate this "out of orbit" feeling this gives me.

WHY do we need this/want this/crave this? I tried to casually bring it up to an old friend and his flat comment was "Hitting a woman in ANY manner is wrong. It's abuse. It's just not acceptable." I don't agree. I'm not abused. My husband treasures me as a ruby. He places me by his side, his rib. He values my input. He may not always agree, he may not always take the input, but he always asks and he always considers it tantamount to his final decision. If I DO make a command decision, he knows that I try to follow what he would have done, but not because I fear him. I do this because I respect him. I WANT him to be the man in this relationship. I want to be what I was created to be.

This is not abuse. This is concensual. I see that I ned this guidance. I see that I need this discipline. He does not hit me in anger. he doesn't even enjoy this. I certainly don't enjoy the sting of a belt or paddle on my bottom. It HURTS. But this releases an odd tension in me, as well as in him. It has brought us closer together. We are better able to share thoughts, ideas, feelings with each other. Instead of me being frustrated that he isnn't leading(as was the case before September) I can tell him that I have usurped his place and he chastises me for it. I don't scream at him like a shrew. And he doesn't look at what I am doing now and groan in frustration and irritation. He was an angry man before we started this. Now, he is finding peace in his role as a MAN.

He takes what he wants. No. I GIVE him what he wants, when he tells me that he wants it. He wants his breakfast cooked? I do it now. Before, I let him fnd for himself. he is in the mood for sex? He gets what he wants. No, it is NOT rape. I still choose to yield myself to him, in love. Often, 99% of the time, he is a generous lover and gives back 100 fold. There is the rare occassion when he just takes. And hoenstly, that's okay to me. I take sometimes too.

WHY do we want this though? I cant't figure it out.

I did ask him today in a text if I was crossing the submission line when I tell him that I want/crave/need more of this. He thought initially I was speaking of sessions. No. I want/crave/need more guidance, more submission, more caveman from him. I want him to take more right now. I need to learn to be submissive for submission's sake, not because I don't want to be soanked. He understood. I've been ordered to make sure I keep my phone on me at all times. Actually, after the farm incident Monday and yesterday, it's become a standing order forever after. We DO live in an area where dangerous animals can come on you at any point(coyotes, rabid skunks, animals in the rut or sometimes even, big cats like mountain lions.)

He intends to text random orders through the day, and I must follow them. I hope that he does. I really need this. I want this for him, I want it for us. We've had a wonderful marriage, but honestly, letting go of the control is giving us something I never thought we'd have. I like that.

I am just struggling to understand why I want this the way I do.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Grace in the middle of training

Sunday was actually the first "official" day of boot camp. I was spanked first thing int he morning-because he can he said, and told that 3 weeks of training was starting that moment. The texts the day before had been a test. I failed. But Sunday was a weird day because we were gone all day.

Yesterday started off well, but fell apart rapidly due to an issue with livestock. We had some invade our property, and I ended up going after an intact breeding male goat in the rut with a dog leash, a 2x4, a 9mm pistol and rocks to keep him off my doe in heat. It didnt' work. Even kicking him in tender areas didn't stop him from successfully breeding my doe 8 times in 3 minutes. Poor girl! Dearest was home, trying to help, but I was an insane mad woman.

When we got things settled down eventually, I was chastised firmly for 2 things-one that I had endangered myself(those animals can break a full grown man's femur when they are in the rut) and that I had left my cell phone in the house, so no one could call the sheriff. He let me have it last night! But, because I had pulled back muscles, he first ordered me to shower(remove the animal in rut odor) adn then to soak in a warm tub with epsom salts. he also brought a smile to my face when he returned home from some errands with a bottle of Mad Housewife wine. Yes, it's an actual label. And, because I was sore, he did not use the wooden implement.

Today I've been firmly instructed that from this day forward, my cell phone is to be on my person at all times. It will be a punishable offense from today on. He's also spanked more today, because he can. I've been getting textst full of odd instructions, but nothing out of the truly strange and ordianry. Just little things to test my willingness to submit.

I think I'm in heaven.

And we replaced the "spank" with a Paula Dean wooden spatula. Can I just say "Ow." ? It's thicker, it's ouchier, and I can safely say, at this moment, it is my least favored implement. Even 3 or 4 swats through clothing hurts like the dickens.

I am loving that he's stepping up though. I feel more secure, more safe, more at peace thatn in the 12 years we've been married. He's amazing.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

2 months of bliss

I'm in heaven. Well, it's a cloud that's going up and down. We've got so much to learn, but oh my we've already come SO far!

I did get my first spanking the very next night. We started with 12 years of less than stellar submission and disrespect. he counts on each side is ONE. I ended up with over 50 that first night. I didnt' cry, but I was shocked at how much less stressful I felt.

We've progressed to the belt for the more obnoxious offenses-such as disrespect in front of the children. I get maintenance every night he's home(some weeks it's Sat/Sun/Mon others it's Sun/Mon/Tues and then every other night)

Our biggest hurdle to overcome is still that he is afraid to take control completely. He knows my past, and he struggles with leadership. But he's willing. I reached a point recently where I was craving more direct input in my day, more of a M/s concept. He's toying with it and a few nights has just done marvelous at grabbing hold. I think that the power trip adreneline rush overwhelms him and he backs down.

This week, I asked for a harder hand. Shared an article with him on boot camps, and he read it. Said he was trying to take a harder hand with me. And promptly laxed to where we had been 2 months ago. It sent me into a tizzy. Almost a crisis for me. I felt as if I were drowning. I spent the day fighting myself to not grab back control of everything and scream at him that this is NOT what I was looking for. Bedtime came and when he told me to get my pillows for maintenance, I flat told him "No." and melted into a puddle of tears. It threw him for a loop.

We settled into each other's arms while I sobbed, and when I was able to sniffle more than sob, I was able to tell him that this is NOT just about the physical discipline for me. Yes, that's a huge part of it, and it started the entire thing, but I crave more. I need more. I want him to take that position he's supposed to be in. I want.........I know you understand what it is I'm looking for. How do you put it into words without sounding insane? I want him to control. I still want to be who I am, but I want him to be the man in this relationship, and I want to know that I don't have to drive the car anymore.

We just talked Wednesday night. Last night, I got it for defiance. And I have to giggle.....wooden spoons from Walmart are not the best thing to use. Yes, a new implement. And it cracked. It's only a month old, and probably shouldn't have been used in the kitchen first. It shocked us both.
Today he's been very specific in his instructions. It took him a few hours to get to a command position, but he's on the road and has sent several texts with specific expectations. I've been told that today, we start boot camp. It will be a challenge, with him being 300 miles away until tomorrow, but he finally understands to a better degree what I need and this gift I offer him. Giving someone this kind of trust is incredible. And I offer it to him wholeheartedly. I know he loves me and would never hurt me.

I think that makes sense.

Anyway, it's been an amazing journey so far. We both see huge changes already, and don't want to go back to where we were 2 months ago.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

About to explode

The anticipation is killing me. When is he going to do it? When is he finally going to tell me that I've been naughty and to bend over the that bed?

It's been a week. A week since I discovered dometic discipline. I'm still shaking at the intensity of the overwhelming "This is IT!!!!!" sensation that overcame me. It feels like a tidal wave. It feels so right, yet it can't be. Can it? This is what I've always wanted. And I am sure I am insane.

We've been married 12 years. He's always been a phenomenol lover. He's always been loving, caring, encouraging. He is the most amazing father to our children that I can imagine. I've wanted since the day we married to be the wife he needs-loving, submissive, caring, generous, perfect. Well okay, not perfect, but at least submissive and what he needs.

So here's the problem..........I grew up with an overbearing, dominant mother who put down my abusive, alcoholic father-even does still to this day. She's horrid to him. Granted, he was pretty viscious when he was abusing with his fists. She's always raised us to be independent, don't need that man to survive, he's there to serve YOU and not the other awy around, submission from you means he can and will abuse you and use you as a doormat.

Dearest was raised in a permissive home, where the parents were equal partners. Don't get me wrong-my in-laws are incredible. I adore them to no end. But there was no true leadership example.

So.....we struggle.

Over the years, I've tried oh so hard to be submissive. I mean really tried. So if I'm submitting, why is he getting more frustrated and angry every day? Why is it that the more I submit, the more of a jerk he seems to be? Could it be that my mother was actually right about this? She can't be. That's just not the way it's supposed to be. Men are supposed to be men and women are supposed to be soft, loved, cherished, protected, nurtured, guided. So what is wrong withour marriage?

That's what I've been feeling the last 2 years or so. And I try harder to be submissive, and he gets more jerkish to to me and the kids and I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong, so I try to be more submissive and...........

a viscious cycle that came to a screeching halt last week.

I am not the submissive wife I thought I was. Oh, it's what I want. It truly is. But.........

I keep telling him "LEAD US ALREADY DAMN IT!" and when he doesn't lead to MY expectations, I jump in and grab the reins. Or I ignore his simple suggestions, requests. Hell, even right now, I'm going to get it good..I am about 30 minutes over the time he alloted for me to be on the computer. And because I want to be all that he needs, I'll be honest with him about the overkill.

I cannot explin tht relief I have felt since coming to the understanding that you cannot be submissive to a man if you aren't finding out what he considers to be submissive. And I've never once bothered to ask him. In 12 years, I've never taken the time to just say "Honey, this is what I want, but I don't know how to be that." And that is precisely why we haven't made any progress in that area of life.

I wanted to do better. I searched for anything on Christian submission. I found a website that made me hit the brakes.

It just really made my heart stop and start, and thump with agony. A good agony that is.

I read everything I could find. And I formulated the conversation as best I could with Dearest last Saturday. I can't recall now all that I said, but basically, I laid out for him all I was thinking in regard to my lack of submission. He was quiet but I could see that he was in agreement with everything I said. Sunday night, I popped in our favorite movie, "McClintock". To this point we'd always laughed when PAtrick Wayne spanks Natlie Wood's character and when John Wayne spanks Maureen O'Hara's character. Sunday, I was wistful in my laughter. Monday, I screwed up my courage and met him outdoors with a large glass of cool water while he was working, looked right at him and said "So here's what's on my heart. I think that I've been horrid to you and I think I need you to put me over your knee like Johy Wayne did and wallop me a good one. And I'm being dead serious when I say I want you to spank me." and I walked away.

He stood there, looking somewhat stunned, but wasn't laughing at me. I took that as a good sign.

Later, he said that it was obvious I'd given this quite a bit of thought. This has actually led to some of the absolute best conversations of our entire marriage and I have to say that we've always had very good open lines of communication, so that's saying something HUGE.

We've reached a point wher ehe's read all that I have and he agrees. I mean really agrees. He said and I quote "Everything else I've tried hasn't worked. I'm tired of being angry and you are tired of fighting me for control." I'm shocked.

And now, I'm waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And.........

Oh the agony. I know I need to be spanked. I don't want the pain. But he owes me for 12 years of disrspect, disregard, dishonor. And now, this week, he owes me for not reminding him of a bill we HAD to send out, oh 2 months ago, and today's computer time. And I can't wait.

The anticipation is going to just kill me. I think it's possibly his first disciplinary action.........making one wait is sometimes as bad as the punishment itself! Sigh.